• Have you found saying NO to be challenging?
• Do you think that NO means it’s the end of the road?
• What would it look like if you were to say NO more often and mean it?
• What happens when you deny your NO?

As a woman who works with a lot of women, I’ve found claiming  your NO is a major issue for many.  Consider this:

• Each day, millions of women around the world ask permission to live their lives. Many of them are passive, subjugated, marginalized, threatened, submissive,
  controlled and diminished. Raised to believe from birth that their entire purpose in life is to serve others, they buy into the myth and swallow whole their frustration and depressions.
• Victims of their own belief system, they are afraid to take on the responsibility of taking care of their own lives, making their own choices and making their own decisions.
• What happens to young girls growing up? What happens to their power, their ability to make their own decisions, to take action based on their needs first without consulting others?
• How do women come to believe that their needs come second to everyone else’s? How do women lose sight of who they are in relationship to others?
• When do women get to KNOW that they have the power to say NO and not be afraid?

I watched as my mother was dominated by my father both verbally and physically, and I watched as she struggled to find a voice and failed because she didn’t believe it was possible.

As a woman with a history of violence, I struggled to find anyone who would love me to make me feel whole, and I willingly allowed myself to put their needs before mine because I didn’t know what it was I wanted.

I made huge mistakes with my children not knowing if I really wanted to be a mother, or even if I could be a mother, and then I invested myself in them so much that I lost sight of what was good for me….

Blame came easy. It was the fault of others for what was lacking in my life.

And through it all, I wanted to KNOW who I was, and I wanted to KNOW what I was capable of.

I did not understand that the choice was mine. The power was mine if only I would take responsibility for my own decisions.

I had to find my NO because I understood I was setting a very bad precedent for my children.

My children came to expect that I would always be there for them. My husband came to expect that I would cook, clean, take care of the children, and attend to their physical and emotional needs, and his also. After all, he was paying for it, wasn’t he? I hadn’t earned a penny in twenty years and therefore the financial control was his. I had given my life over to taking care of our two daughters, his daughter from a previous marriage, and the demands of a twenty-four/seven relationship that expected me to be there when he needed it.

Where was my courage to say NO?  It was shackled to my my insecurity; my dreadful belief that I wasn’t worth anything.

Instead, I found it in… nagging, complaints, avoidance of sex, refusal to confront people, frustrated outbursts of anger, and lots of tears.

My unspoken needs and fear of being rejected or abandoned complicated my relationship because I couldn’t figure out how to tell him what it was I needed. Words like freedom to be myself were empty because I didn’t know what that meant.

• “You want to go out more often by yourself? Go!”
  I would retreat.
• “You want to spend how much money? Do you really need it?”
  I would withdraw.
• “You were gone a long time. Where were you?”
  And the stories would begin.
• “Did you do what I wanted you to do?”
  And the answers would come back a lie because I didn’t want him to be angry with me because I hadn’t done what he needed. I didn’t want to risk the unpleasant feelings generated by not doing what he wanted.
• “I’ll be away for a few days, but could you take care of this list for me,” he would ask, as if I had a choice.
  Then he would be gone, but not before he had called to tell me there was something else he had forgotten for me to do, and I would add it to my list
  while cursing under my breath.

It wasn’t enough that I was there taking care of the household details, making sure the children had what they needed, and being available at night after a
long, tiring day I was Dr. Mom, PTA Mom, birthday party Mom, Gourmet Cook Mom, and nurturing, sympathetic Mom, who occasionally turned into Gremlin Mom, Freddie Kruger Mom, Hysterical in your face, don’t touch me, don’t ask me, don’t breathe on me, Mom. Have you heard the song “He thinks he’ll keep her,” by Mary Chapin Carpenter.  I felt that way for a long time.

Can you, will you, I want you to, came with a silent NO!

I did it because I wanted to be the best Mom, the best cook, the best wife, and the best sport in the world. I didn’t want to give anyone the chance to say you are no good.

Years of practice finally allowed me to find my NO and here’s what I’ve learned.

1. Self-Respect comes when you trust yourself to say NO and mean it.
2. You are respected for your integrity. You are respected for your strength when you can say NO.
3. When you say what you mean and mean what you say, your world expands and opportunities increase.
4. Trusting yourself to make the right decisions, the right choices, to know what is good for you takes experience. We don’t acquire it easily.
5. Trusting yourself is knowing yourself. Trusting yourself is number one key to becoming successful.

So where are you withholding your NO?  What would you like to do about it?

Excerpt from The Fearless Factor by Jacqueline Wales

Photo credit: Karene Biggs