Are you afraid of aging?

I went shopping with my 18 year old today for her prom dress and graduation dress today.  We were at Bloomingdales in the heart of Manhattan where she found beautiful dresses that looked great on her size ZERO  body.

We gathered up armfuls of clothes and headed off to the dressing room.  I don’t know about you, but I swear these dressing room lights and mirrors are designed to make women of mid-life look bad!  Is there some reverse psychology at work here?  If you don’t like what you are trying on, you keep looking, finding more things to buy!  I’m not sure about this.

My daughter looked fabulous in everything she tried on, some more than others.  Her choice in prom dress was sleek, elegant, electric blue and sexier than all out. I admired the beauty that I gave birth to.  I stood next to her seeing reflected in the mirror her middle-aged mother, rather thick around the middle, still attractive of face, but the body is definitely a size 10-12.  In other words, I felt fat!

I thought back to when I was 18 and rail thin.  I didn’t have the mother or the money to go shopping, so in fact, there is no comparison, but I did dream.  If I had known about Bloomingdales then, I would have been dreaming about it. Instead, I dreamed Harrods.  It was all far out of my reach.

So here I am standing next to my beautiful daughter, full of the confidence of her age, and I’m actually nostalgic for another time when I was thinner, younger, attractive to young men, and totally and destructively insecure!  Do I want to go back there.  Not on your life.  Do I want my thinner self, with youth on my side…..maybe. But then again…..

Aging comes with a price.  We mature in our minds (some of us) and enjoy the wisdom of age, and at the same time we lose the physical attributes that make us feel attractive.  At 57, I’m aware that these days are gone.  I pride myself on looking pretty good for my age, but the cellulite dimples and the softness of my middle bother me. There is a certain fear that my body is disintegrating. After years of martial arts training, and being physically active, I now spend my time in front of a computer building my business, grateful for a comfortable chair.

We live in a youth-obsessed culture, but that is nothing new.  Ever since the Greeks idolized the male and female bodies, we have lost touch with what it is to accept our aging bodies. We struggle with our sense of identity because inside we feel young, while outside, the frame descends downwards.  Yes, the body is heading south (and probably east and west, but not north.  We shrink as we grow older!)

So I fit my daughter into her beautiful prom dress, adjusting her small breasts to fit the shape of the dress, admiring the lack of curves and flat stomach, knowing I will never see this again.

So am I afraid of aging? Yes and No!  I embrace the maturity that comes from the years and the experiences I’ve had. I enjoy a vibrant and healthy life that my parents were unable to have, and yet…..and yet…..I long for the carefree spirit of youth, and know that when I had it, I didn’t appreciate it.  Like all good things, we take our gifts for granted.

I think it was Jane Austen who said it best, “Youth is wasted on the young.”

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Tagged as: Aging, Baby Boomers