From a very young age society teaches you not to interrupt. “Quiet darling, mommy and daddy are having a talk right now,” a child often hears. Or, “not now, you should be quiet.” One of the the first lessons a preschooler must learn is how to patiently raise his or her hand and wait in order to receive the privilege of speaking. So it is really no wonder that when, achieving adulthood, even after starting a family of your own, you find it difficult to express what you truly need to.
Are you afraid to speak up! You think you will offend someone important to you with what you have to say. You convince yourself that your contribution is not as relevant as it seemed at first in your own mind. You shut your mouth and adopt silence even when your heart is dying to let loose, the thoughts, opinions that make up the essence of who your are. But this leads to doing and saying things because you think you must; you are projecting a view that others expect certain behavior from you.
Not speaking up is a classic case of you-are-your-worst-enemy. Taken to the extreme, you become a helpless animal, indecisive, and without will. People who have not fallen victim to such fear trample all over you, and your quality of life suffers.
One painful example of this fear is a romantic relationship in which you are fearful of speaking your mind. You may become dependent on particular penalty-conditioning system, where if your partner approves of what you say they act as if you have stated fact, but if you say anything contrary to their views, goals etc. then they jump down your throat, make fun of your words and you end up feeling chastised. Such a situation leads to increasing fear of saying what you truly need to say. Taken to the extreme, this form of fear can be the gateway for every other fear in your life to rush in and cripple you.
SPEAK UP! Ask for what you want. In another sense, you are really saying what you believe to be true. When you take away your anxiety, the stress that comes from daily battles with loved ones, work associates, people on the street, your mind has a chance to relax and enjoy the company of others. Communicating your needs is an art form best practiced in the company of others. It’s a lifetime of making mistakes, saying the wrong things and doing the wrong things, but along the way we learn what works and what doesn’t.
Asking for what you want is a life skill best practiced with others who are nurturing and supportive. Learning how to say what you mean and mean what you say is a huge step towards getting what you want.
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